“I Just Want to Be Friends” – What it Really Means

Being put in the friend zone comes as a result of a lack of attraction.

So they told you they just want to be friends and you’re confused. Luckily, I can tell you EXACTLY what that means but I should warn you – I don’t sugar coat anything here. So, if you’re sensitive and want to spend your life living in the bliss of ignorance, leave now. Otherwise, prepared for the shocking truth that will stay with you for life.

Idea Summary:

• “I just want to be friends” signifies low levels of attraction towards you.
• A low level of attraction is usually caused by a large gap in subconsciously perceived social status or a failure to live up to your role in the relationship. Ie. They think they can do better than you  or in the case of a male, you were a weak provider.
• People who are truly attracted to you DO NOT tell you they just want to be friends. They would not risk losing you to someone else.
• Everyone gets put in the friend zone at some point. The key is to LEARN why.
• Women tend to say this more than men. Men who aren’t attracted generally avoid contact and become cold and distant.
• Attraction levels are not a choice. It’s not their fault but it might be yours.
• If your attracted to them, don’t be their friend. That’s a painful road to go down.
• A successful relationship must have both attraction and compatibility. You have the second one down.

“I just want to be friends”; the kiss of death for any relationship. Maybe you didn’t see it coming or maybe your relationship has been fizzling out for some time. Either way, it sucks and you don’t want to just be friends. How could this have happened?

Lack of Attraction:

People end up in the friend zone when their crush is NOT attracted to them. In fact, their crush KNOWS they aren’t attracted to you, and they know you ARE attracted to them. That’s why this conversation came up in the first place, they needed to make it clear. A lack of attraction is generally caused by one of two things:

Perceived Lower Social Status: This one is simple, attraction starts to lower the minute someone learns they are  out of your league. Think about it, are doctors generally attracted to low wage earners with low status jobs? No. Status goes beyond jobs and income, though,  it includes physical attractiveness, genetics, family status, alpha type behavior, social acceptance, social abilities and pre-selection by other mates.

In short, if you’re hot, successful, confident, healthy and people like you, you have high-status. The opposite is also true.

When you get put in the friend zone it’s usually because your crush’s  subconsciously perceives your social status as lower than their social status.

Don’t get mad at them, this isn’t their decision.  Your mind has  a sort of self-assessment mechanism that gives us a strange way of knowing which mates are “in our league”.  Secretly, we all know our social status and our attraction to others adapts accordingly. This is the reason some people are attracted to mates others would consider unacceptable. It for this same reason that some people do not even bother to approach a certain person because they KNOW that person’s social status is too high for them. We all know where we stand in the hierarchy of the dating world, whether we like to admit it or not.

Failure to play your gender role to their satisfaction:

Ive written this section as a general guide, not everyone is the same. However, evolution has created our attraction mechanism to respond to the following traits because they ensured a greater probability of  young surviving. Attraction is about survival of our genes. Period.  It doesn’t make logical sense, but it works. When someone is not attracted to you, it’s their genetics telling them not to have children with you, and with that out of the picture they “just want to be friends.”

Boys kill attraction by not being mentally and physically strong enough, I say boys because that’s exactly the problem; women want a man who can handle anything thrown their way, they don’t want a boy to mother. They want someone to guide and protect them and their young. Strength = attractive to women. DO NOT, however, become macho to overcompensate. Learn to control yourself and your world, learn to handle any and all situations with confidence. True strength is knowing when to be generous and when to be firm.

Women kill attraction by not being nurturing enough, showing instability or by letting themselves go physically.  Men want a women who displays traits that are consistent with someone who can birth, raise and nurture their children. Important traits for women are trustworthiness, physical health/attractiveness, stability, being nurturing, being caring and intelligence. Did you emphasize this side of yourself?

Reference: Evolution in Attraction; Diana Fernadez

Image courtesy graur razvan ionut