Important Concepts | What is love?
- Love is the driving mental force that keeps two people together; love keeps lovers together much like gravity keeps you here on the earth – love and gravity both have their own methods of punishing those who don’t follow their rules – methods that hurt.
- There are two types of love: Brotherly love and Romantic love.
- Brotherly love is made up of: companion familiarity and personal reliance. Basically, you know this personal intimately, you’ve had alot of good times together and you rely on them in your life to some degree. Brotherly love is the same kind of love that you have for close friends, your dog and your family.
- Romantic love is made of: companion familiarity, personal reliance and primitive physical attraction. You need all three to be in romantic love.
- Primitive physical attraction alone is called lust. This is not true love, you do not know them well enough and you do not rely on each other.
- Being put in the “friend zone” means you are triggering brotherly love without primitive physical attraction. You’re 2 for 3.
- When I speak about personal reliance I mean that you count on this person for something. It could be something physical, like drives to work, money or food. It can also be a mental need, such as companionship, social outings, letting you vent, supporting you in hard times. Basically, this person helps you and is kind to you.
- Love is an emotion sculpted by evolution to ensure we reproduce and improve our children’s chance of survival. Basically, people who fall in love have kids and stick around to raise them. Love helps the human race survive.
What is Love? | Understanding Primitive Physical Attraction :
Primitive physical attraction is the brain’s automatic response to seeing a suitable mate. At it’s core, it’s makes us want to be close to and touch those we find attractive. Because attraction is a reflex and not a choice there are signs attracted people give off, such as:
- Keeping our shoulders and knees pointed towards those we are attracted to.
- Urge to get close (within the 3 foot comfort zone) to those we are attracted to
- Eye Contact (avoiding or prolonged)
See my article Signs of Attraction for more information on the physical signs of attraction.
When it comes to romantic love you need primitive attraction. Always and forever. No exceptions.
Losing primitive attraction for your partner results in an instant downgrade to the friend zone. When people use cliche lines likes “I love you, im just not IN love with you anymore” or “I think were better as friends” or the famous “The spark is just gone.”. Its because the primitive attraction is gone, but the reliance and familiarity remain. You are in the brotherly love zone. I expand on this in my article “I just want to be friends, what it really means.”
Always maintain attraction! Have a look around the attraction section of this website for ideas on how to do that.
What is love? | Understanding Lust:
Lust is the presence of primitive attraction, but the absence of brotherly love. Remember, you need all three for romantic love.
Basically, lust is a crush or a fling. Its when you are intensely attracted to someone but have not developed a personal bond. Many people mistake lust for love because of the power and intensity of the attraction. With lust, you know it’s there, it’s in your face.
I liken lust to a drug addiction, your urge to be with and see your crush will be ultra-intense. You will crave them. However, should you not get to see them ever again, you will have a short but intense withdrawal period. You will be heartbroken for a week or two.
This is where romantic love differs, you don’t always know it’s there. It hides deep within you, and grows slowly. Think of how the seasons change, in the winter it’s cold and in the summer it’s hot, there is a BIG difference between the two; but because it’s changes so slowly we often overlook the fact that it’s happening at all. It sort just of happens in the background, but it’s nevertheless very real and very powerful.
When you lose a partner you truly love, you not only go through intense withdrawal via attraction, you also lose someone very close to you and someone that you rely on. In the case of love, heartbreak is no longer a matter of weeks, but potentially months or years. Even after the pain disappears, you will remember this person until the day you die. Romantic love is a unique, profound and life-changing experience.
Image photostock ref: Study, Love